Awake
by STR8BKCHICK
Summary: I finally watched the ep where Spike and Buff Sleep together nad changed it, to fit the end of days...sort of and make it B/A!!! Read adn feedback! Disclaimer: Joss is the man


Awake   
  


Okay, I know what you're all saying, "You never finish anything!!!! You just get to the good part of something, branch off into another story when something springs into your mind and leave us hangin!!!" Well, I'm not this time.   
  


Synopsis: This came from me finally actually watching the first time Buffy and Spike Sleep together and it made me throw up, gag and then I got a miraculous idea about the last ep of Buffy and how that whole scene could kinda play out if it were....ANGEL!!!!!!! MWA HA HA HA HA 

Rating: Duh, do you even ha ve to ask??? I'm a perv like the rest of ya!!!!!!! 

Spoilers: None yet, unless my wildest dreams come tru and this actually happens   
  


AU Note: I hope you don't think this will be focused on a real plot of the last ep, this is just a possible fun part!!!!!!! 

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Sometimes I really hate my life. Spike's kidnaped again, the apocalypse is here and again, I feel utterly alone. God, I wish I weren't the slayer sometimes. Nope, not Buffy. Not the chosen one. Its bad enough I have to raise Dawn, now I have to raise a house full of them and one whose is making "googly eyes" at Willow. Angel once told me that loneliness was the worst curse there was. He was right. I only wish he is as lonely without me now as I am without him. I sit on my couch and curl up and glance outside. I have no clue what I'm going to do. The big bad is here and little Buffy wishes to crawl away. I wish I hadn't have been so damn stupid and let Spike leave town when he freakin volunteered then we wouldn't be in this mess. Now they have him and my bet is that he's majorly evil and if the nature of true vampire anger was ever a reflection of Angelus, I'm in for a major fight....not that Spike was anywhere sexier than Angelus in those leather...GOD, focus Buffy! We're all gonna die here! 

Anyway, I miss him. He was my rock and I didn't let him go cuz I'm scared to be alone. S cared to be lonely Buffy because all the others left. They always leave. I'm not a "thing worth saving" Angel. 

Angel. 

He's in the other room, talking to Giles about the happenings in LA and I almost quiver. I can just imagine the pain he's suffering...having a brand new family with a nice sparkling son attached. I'd hate him for that if I didn't envy it so much. Envy him for having Connor and because I wasn't a part of it. We're not a part of each others worlds anymore. I sigh again and close my eyes. My life sucks and right now, I wish it would swallow me whole. Standing abruptly, I look around for my stake. Finding it, I stuff it into my waist band and head from the house. All of a sudden, it feels to stuffy, as though I's turning into my 16 year old self again and I want to be sick. I sit in the cemetery for hours. I think, reflecting on the world. Geez, I wish I was one of the people asleep, not knowing the fate of the world. After a fitful night of minimum slaying and a bit of a sore throat from being out so long, I start my walk home. I stare at the ground before walking directly into a muscled chest and I almost fall into a fighting stance until I notice who I run into. 

"Oh, Sorry, didn't see you standing there." I say almost blankly. He smiles, small, but he does. 

Then, his face is serious. 

"We need to talk." He says firmly. I knew this was coming. I nod and we head towards the mansion, away from my house. 

"What happened with Spike?" He ask. 

"Well, we were patrolling and then we got ambushed and..." 

"No! What happened with Spike?" He ask me again. I gulp, noticeably. 

"What do you know about me and Spike?" I ask. 

"You're stalling." He answers tersely. 

"So." I say back. "We had a thing. When I came back from the dead. I was sad. I was lonely and he made me feel like shit. He made me angry and he put so much negative fire inside of me that I hated him. It didn't matter, because he had made me feel. Soon, I figured another way to feel something and I used him for it. He fed me crap about coming back wrong and being in the darkness by myself forever and he was partially right. I wasn't myself. I was trying not to be myself. And he was there for me to use. We used each other." I say. 

He stops walking and I turn exasperated. 

"What?" I sigh, "What else is there? You want to know how much I hated it. How much I closed my eyes and wished he were you? How many times I wish it were your voice whispering sweetly and not him forcefully taunting me? Well I said it. I wished and you never came to rescue me and I got over it. I got through it and it's over. I'm okay now. And we're friends. I'd like to think we were friends. Are friends." 

"Two months ago, when Willow came to restore my soul, they took it away magically. I experienced a day of true happiness." He said as we entered the mansion. My son finally accepted me. I killed the beast and I got the girl, so to speak. Cordelia and I declared our love for each other and we made love for the first time. In my dream that is." I stare at him blankly and I feel my lower lip quiver. 

"What is this some kind of sick joke?" I ask, eyes watering. 

"Let me finish." He says, but I ignore him. I try to walk away from him, but he stands firmly in front of me and doesn't move. 

"Get out of my way." I say so deadly that I'm almost scared of myself and he looks at me, calmly. 

"No." I swing and I hit him, hard. His head jerks to the side and he wipes blood form the side of his lip. I push him into the wall and head for the door. He grabs my arm and pulls me back. 

"I saved the day, Buffy. She told me that we had waited long enough and that this was our day. We deserved this." He says and the tears fall from my eyes. I hit him again, and again until he's bent over trying to recover. He grabs be and throws me against a wall. 

"I hate you." I yell, but that doesn't stop him. 

"She kissed me, so softly and I thought I was dying because I was happy." We're fighting now, or more like I'm fighting him. He's not hitting me but I'm doing a number on him. God I want to die right now. Cordelia got him. In the end, she really got him. And I still love him. 

"Why are you doing this to me? Why are you trying to hurt me?" I plead as I hit him again. 

"I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm trying to make you see." He catches my fist and shoves me into a wall, his body pressed tightly to mine and he whispers into my ear. 

"And I held her so close while we made love that I couldn't tell where she started and I began." He starts and I close my eyes to stop his words, but they keep coming. He kisses my jaw bone lightly. 

"I don't think I've ever come so hard in my life." He says. And tears spill from my closed lids and I try to stifle a moan of pure devastation. 

"You know that funny thing, though." He says, "When I saw her, she had blond hair and emerald green eyes. And when I came, when I felt her clench around me, I said your name. In my dream, when I lost my soul, it wasn't to Cordy, it was to you." He says, as he pulls away ever so slightly and kisses me on the lips. It was so soft and innocent, filled with love and apology that I couldn't resist, I dove into it. I wanted it as much as he did and I kissed him back, so help me God. But, what is he saying? What is he trying to tell me. I push him away from me and I try to walk away again. 

"Don't walk away from me." He says in such a demanding voice that I stop and turn to him. 

"Don't walk away form you?" I say. "You walked away form me four years ago. You walked away form me after graduation and after I came to LA to see you, so don't talk to me about walking away. You left me when my mom died, you left me when I died and, come to think of it, you left me when I came back. But you know what? Spike never left. He screwed me and then he stayed. He stayed and I hate you for not staying. I hate it that he couldn't have been the one for me to love and not you, because he was devoted to me and he didn't leave me to start a new little family with baby Connor and Aunty Cordy. He didn't forget that he was in love and that I was here and that I needed him. He didn't forget that I was the most important thing and that I wanted to be taken care of because I took care of the world." 

"You want to compare me to Spike? He's a demon Buffy! He tried to rape you." He shouts out and his eyes glow golden. How in the hell did he know about that. I'm going to kill Dawn! 

"Yea, I know. Even Angelus didn't sink that low. You know just as much as I did, I never really left you, because if I had, I wouldn't feel it here. You wouldn't feel it here." He says, bringing a hand to his chest. "I left so I wouldn't hurt you anymore. I left so that you wouldn't have me in the future, I LEFT, so that you could live!!" He growls. "That was the hardest thing I've ver had to do in my life and all you ever do is throw it back at me. YOU sent me to hell and I still loved you. You threw your boy toys in my face and I still loved you. I gave my humanity and my redemption away for you and you don't appreciate it. And you honestly think that me being away can make qme stop loving you? You don't know me at all." 

"What is there to appreciate. I was miserable. Dead inside. I would rather to have been dead to the world, than this dead inside, Angel. You did that to me. Now you love Cordelia." 

"No." 

"Yes! I may have done those things but you, you loved another. You traded our love for that." I say brokenly and I'm so relieved that it's all coming out. 

"Haven't you been listening. It wasn't Cordy I was with. It was you. You. Everything leads back to you. My redemption, my soul, my life, my happiness. It's always going to be you and your going to fight me on it." 

"How do I know?" I hear myself say. "How do I know you love me and not Cordy. How do I know it was really me and not Cordy?" All of a sudden, I'm against a wall and his mouth is on mine. I pull away and hit him and as he jerks away, I pull him back to me. His hands are under my shirt and drawing lazy circles over my tummy and it almost tickles. My arms are around his neck and I want to get closer to him. Impossibly closer. We began to fumble through the large house and we break many things as we stumble about, going no where in particular and we are partially fighting each other and clinging to one another as we let our hands explore. Suddenly, he's up against a wall and I jump, to straddle his waist. I notice the enormous buldge in his pants and I know how incredibly good that would feel against my throbbing heat between my legs. I immediately began to rock into him, trying to create some friction and it's working. He moans into my mouth as he abandons my mouth and travels down to my neck, where he sucks profusely on the scar he left there. I become wetter and I can barely control my actions. My hands are between us and I'm undoing his pants. I reach in, expecting boxers and I don't find any. Only his VERY erect dick in my hands and unconsciously, my mouth becomes watery. I hear him gasp at the contact and I pump him, once, twice, three times before he pulls my skirt up and rips my panty's away and I slide over him like a glove on a hand. We both still and look into the others eyes, to make certain that we know what we're doing here. After a few seconds, I can't take it anymore and I begin to rise and fall on him. I use his shoulders as leverage as he moans and stares into my brazen face. We are staring the other down as he holds himself perfectly still while I work wonders on our bodies. I haven't felt this good in.....5 years. Oh, God, I'm screwing Angel and I like it and he may turn evil. Oh well, might as well make it a good fuck. His back is against a wall and he's staring at me and I wonder why. Its almost embarrassing. To break his gaze, I bend to kiss him and he accepts it and I realize that him watching me was an aphrodisiac. All of a sudden, my back is on the wall and I can fear the wall crack under our pressure. Finally, he starts to move inside of me and I can't do anything but feel him. Him around me, him consuming me and I want to be inside him deeply, and stay there because I know I'll be safe. I'm always safe here. One of my hands goes above me me as I brace myself against the wall. He begins thrusting into me so hard yet so gently that I think I'm losing my mind. My eyes begin to close but he brings them open when he orders me to look at him. I do, and it fuels me on because I want him to break before me. I begin to clench my inner muscles over him and he flinches in pure ecstacy and I smirk before he thrust impossibly harder and I can feel him hit my cervix. God, how did we miss out on this for like ever? This should be a necessity for living. Like air. Angel air. My air. He starts kissing my neck as he rips me from the wall and suddenly, I'm on a soft bed. He's still pumping into me, and I can feel my orgasm near and then he stops. STOPS! What in the hell? God, He's torturing me. Just let me cum so I can go home and brood about it. He stops and he starts undressing me. HE unbuttons my jacket and slides it off. Then he lifts my shirt over my head and suddenly, I wonder why I'm complying. He loosens my hair so that it fans out on the bed and then he's kissing me. But it's different now. He's kissing me like.... he wants to, like he means something by it and I notice, I'm not kissing him all that differently. I need him to want me like he does. I need him to feel the ay we used to when we were younger...when I was younger because then it means that he still loves me and nothing else matters. I don't notice it, but I'm cry now and I push him away, holding my chest and scurry up the bed and I curl up on the bed and I cry. Dan my emotions and my logical thinking. I can FEEL Angel sit on the bed and I know he can't believe he lost control either. God, help us. We could have let Angelus out again. We stay there, in silence for hours until he speaks. 

"I'm sorry, Buffy. I had no right, to do the things that I did to you tonight." He says and my heart breaks. 

"Really?" I hear myself say and he turns to look at me. I hold my chest tighter ad sit up, standing immediately. Whatt did you do? Huh? You did what any mate would do to his mate. You possessed me. You claimed me and you made me yours because tat's all I've ever been. God, who are we kidding? You've been gone for four years and look how we act towards each other. Like nothing ever changed." 

"Things have changed." He says. 

"Really?" I say. 

"Yes, really. We're npot the same. We are different people now. But, I, I just..can't stop loving you. I just can't." 

"Don't" I plead with him and he is taken back. "All these emotions, their so...raw and real and, God, I really want to kiss you right now." 

"I know the feeling." He says, smiling at me. "We, could have let Angelus out." He says and I snap back to reality. 

"Oh my God!" I say, covering my mouth and then realize I've uncovered my boob. Real smooth Buffy. I quickly turn, flushing red. 

"Don't be shy, Buffy. You have nothing to be ashamed of." His voice says. I know I should be wild and carefree with my sexuality and I am, when the person in front of me isn't him. The person who taught me the first thing about sexuality. I mean, damn, he took my virginity, taught me how to give a blow job, gave me my first orgasm...and second......and third....and....hey, my list could go on and he almost gave me one tonight. 

He hands me a shirt and I slide it over my necked torso. 

"What are we going to do about tonight?" I ask. "We had wild monkey sex against the wall and...oh my God, I liked it." I say, tucking my head behind his shoulder as we now sit at the foot of the bed, talking. I almost think I hear him chuckle. I actually know I heard him chuckle and its music to my sweet ears. 

"I don't know, Buffy. Honestly, I liked it too. We have a lot to talk about and there's a lot I want to tell you. I never meant for our talk earlier to turn out like that. I mean, I wanted you to tell me about everything with Spike so that I could know if I was on my own with the feelings I have. What happened, with the Shaman, I should have seen coming. I should have known that Cordelia could never take your place in my heart. She is very special to me. She could never be my soul mate, the love of my life. I can kid my friends and I can kid you, maybe, but Angelus knows the truth and that always makes me aware of the truth. Its not a secret to me anymore. It's not something I can hide or try to forget or ignore. Its proven that later has come and now I have to deal with it, with us." 

I nod my head. I completely understand him. How can I not. 

"When I came back, I went through a lot of stuff. I went through a lot of weakness and sadness and anger. I was withdrawn and I was cold and dead inside for so long, Angel." I begin. 

"I wish I had been there." He says, pulling me to him as I talk. 

"Spike was the only one who didn't expect me to bounce back with joy and glee and didn't expect me to be the slayer. He was my scapegoat. He was my break for the real light and as much as everyone would like top blame him, I'm way more to blame for our affair than he is. He was a willing body, I used him for all the wrong reasons. He thought I felt something other than self loathing when I was with him. I didn't. I just wanted to feel something and he was the closest thing to an emotion outside of all my cold. I would just close my eyes and wish he were you. Wish I wasn't who I was and were I was and free. I learned though. I learned to depend on me and to accept me and my darkness. As well as the light I bring. Believe it or not, Spike helped me realize that. After...after the incident, I woke up and I changed. I knew I had to, if I wanted to live, be happy, make a life for Dawn and myself. Spike means a lot to me too, but, unfortunately, I can never love him, either, Angel. I've tried so hard to love others and be happy, but its no use. My heart doesn't want anyone else. I don't think I want anyone else." I finally say. "So, what do we do about the wild monkey sex?" 

"Well, we wait and pray that he doesn't show up. Until then, can I hold you?" Angel asks. I comply simply by reaching over and laying in his arms as he pulls me to him and we lay on the bed. I'm half laying on him and our limbs are tangled, but it feels good to be twined with him. He's stroking my hair and kissing my forehead as I drift to sleep, wondering where we will go from here. 

~~~~~~~~~ 


End file.
